Real
Name: Percy Perkins SNAILMAN
Real
Name: Percy Perkins
Identity/Class: Human mutate
Occupation: Superhero, part-time window cleaner
Group Membership: None
Affiliations: Brickman (Loose Brayne), Hiram
J. Bronx, Captain Wally
(Walter Pratt), Combat Colin (Colin Doobrey-Smiff), Joanne Giggly, Julie
Giggly, Macho-Man
(Milton Zook/Norman Dribble), Semi-Automatic Steve;
attended a wedding with Perpugillium
"Peri" Brown, Steve Cook, Sheila Cranna, CYRIL, the Doctor, Frobisher, Simon Furman, Penny
Holme, Loch Ness Monster, Megatron, Optimus
Prime, John Ridgway, Ian Rimmer, Will Simpson, Sludge, Spider-Man (Peter Parker), Richard
Starkings, the TARDIS, John Tomlinson
Enemies: Amazing Dave, Aunt Arctic, D.J. Yampy, Madprof, Mr. Magno, Nick Nobble, Ronnie Ransack, Skydiver, Zippo
Known Relatives: Maim (aunt)
Aliases: The Slowest Superhero in the World, "Dozy Dial" (Captain Wally's derogatory nickname for him)
Base of Operations: Wallytown (see comments)
First Appearance: The Spider-Man Comic#634/5 (4th May 1985)
Powers/Abilities: Snailman can walk up walls (he says "creep," but that's referencing his lack of speed, rather than his style of movement) and moves slower than a three-legged tortoise. In costume or out, he leaves behind a sticky "snail trail" wherever he walks. He also possesses an infectious yawn, and can send people to sleep simply by oscitating at them. He's allegedly unable to become sick because he is "too slow to catch a cold."
Height:
5'4" (by
approximation; see comments)
Weight: 180 lbs. (by approximation; see comments)
Eyes: Unrevealed
Hair: Blond (probably - see comments)
History:
(The Spider-Man Comic#634/5) - After being bitten by a snail while in
the park, Percy Perkins developed gastropod powers, allowing him to
meander up walls and walk more slowly than a three-legged tortoise.
Inspired by this, Percy elected to design a costume which included a
large, utterly impractical shell, and fight crime as Snailman. Though
the general public preferred to call him "Daft."
(The
Spider-Man Comic#635/5) - Receiving an urgent call from the police
inspector informing him that Nick Nobble and Ronnie Ransack had just
robbed the Porkshire Bank, Snailman promised to speed to the scene as
fast as he could. As he slowly meandered down the street however, he
thought to himself that he hoped the inspector didn't expect him until a
week on Tuesday.
(The
Spider-Man Comic#636/5) - Snailman stumbled across the two crooks, but
they derisively laughed at him, taunting him that he was too slow to
catch them. However Snailman unleashed his secret power, an infectious
yawn, swiftly rendering them unconscious.
(The Spider-Man Comic#637/5) - Despite his alarm going off
at 4a.m. so he could undertake a dawn patrol, it took the ever-glacial
Percy until 11a.m. to register this and wake up. After donning his
costume he was literally kicked out of the house by Auntie Maim, and
began patrolling the streets. A youth inquired of the hero whether he
was ever too ill to patrol, and Snailman responded that this was never
the case, both since the protection of the public must come first, and
because he was too slow to catch a cold anyway.
(The Spider-Man Comic#639/6) - Out patrolling, Snailman
was approached by two children who asked him to protect them on their
way to school. After making a tediously long-winded acceptance speech,
he escorted them at his slow pace, and as a result they reached the
school seven hours late, just as the school was closing, much to the
annoyance of the teachers, but secretly exactly what the kids had
wanted.
(The
Spider-Man Comic#641/6) - Spotting two boys correctly identifying his
home as Snailman's house as they walked by, Percy Perkins worriedly
wondered how they could know he lived there since he always changed out
of his costume before coming home. Whacking him on the head with a
rolling pin, Auntie Maim pointed out to her dimwitted nephew that there
was one thing that would always give him away, the sticky residue of his
snail trail.
(The Spider-Man Comic#643/5) - On holiday at the beach,
Snailman found himself unable to relax as his costume made him a target
for the unwanted attention of shell collectors.
(The Spider-Man Comic#645/3) - Deciding a particularly
sunny day that it was too hot to pursue villains, Snailman fell asleep
lying atop his shell. Later waking, he changed clothes back into Percy
Perkins, but was perturbed when people began pointing at his civilian
guise and correctly concluding he was Snailman. Wondering aloud how they
could tell, he was informed that the distinctively shaped sunburn around
his mouth and chin, the region of his face not covered by his mask, had
given him away.
(The
Spider-Man Comic#647/6) - Becoming thirsty as he patrolled under the
heat of a blazing sun, Snailman accepted the offer of a drink from a
young boy's pop, but then panicked as he realized he was about to face
the greatest threat of his career. The boy speculated whether Snailman
meant a supervillain or alien invaders, just before Snailman was
overcome by a violent hiccup that shifted his costume's shell from his
back to over his head.
(The
Spider-Man Comic#649/6) - Changing out of his costume, Percy faced a
conundrum when the far-too-small plastic carrier bag he normally
transported his giant shell in finally burst as he tried to force the
costume into it. Seeing no other option, he decided to do what other
heroes did, and hide his costume under his normal clothes, but was then
confused how everyone he passed seemed to figure out that he was
Snailman, failing to realize his bulging back was a dead giveaway.
(The Spider-Man Comic#650/5) - Finally reaching page 30, the two heroes found a young boy crying because Zippo had just stolen the lad's entire 650 issue run of Spider-Man. Snailman angrily declared that while stealing anything was bad, taking 650 issues of Spider-Man was unforgivable. The heroes spotted Zippo fleeing with his ill-gotten gains moments later, but Snailman acknowledged that he with his speed he could never catch the crook. Declaring there was always a way, Captain Wally gleefully grabbed Snailman by the shell and threw him spinning like a bowling ball into the surprised Zippo. As the cops escorted the handcuffed criminal into a police van, Captain Wally smugly told the dizzy and disgruntled Snailman that he had caught Zippo after all, thanks to Captain Wally's intervention, and noted that he should return to his own page now. Concurring, Snailman kicked Captain Wally flying, punting him back towards the front of the comic.
(Spidey Comic#651/4) - Returning from grocery shopping for Auntie Maim, Snailman was chastised because he had taken so long that his purchases had gone stale. Annoyed, Auntie Maim demanded something to read and kicked Snailman as she ordered him to go and buy her Thursday's newspaper. As he slowly departed a nosy neighbor pointed out to Auntie Maim that today was Monday, but Auntie Maim informed her that it wouldn't be by the time Snailman reached the corner shop.
(Spidey
Comic#652) - Noticing bystanders holding their noses and wincing as he
passed, Snailman concluded it was time to wash his costume. Auntie Maim
approved when he told her he was doing so, but as horrible mechanical
shrieking filled the house she suddenly realized the dozy dolt had tried
to force his huge shell into the tiny washing machine, and angrily
chased him round the house.
(Spidey Comic#653) - Percy and Auntie Maim settled down on the sofa to watch their favorite TV show, Coronation Farm, but lost reception when the aerial snapped off the roof outside and fell down, so Auntie Maim instructed Percy to change into Snailman and sent him to stand outside on the chimney holding the aerial. With reception restored, she called out the window to confirm he was in the right position and that she could watch her show, but an aggravated Snailman, forced to remain on the roof, noted that wished he could.
(Vworp Vworp#2) - Snailman and Captain Wally joined individuals from across the Marvel Megaverse in attending the wedding of Sheila Cranna (see comments).
(Transformers and Action Force#245 (fb) - BTS) - Snailman
was kidnapped by the Brain, and imprisoned in an isolated village
alongside fellow superheroes Brickman, Macho Man and Snail Man, plus the
twin Giggly Sisters (not superheroes, but girlfriends of two), guarded
by a coterie of villains: Madprof, Amazing Dave, Aunt Arctic, D.J.
Yampy, Mr. Magno and Skydiver.
(Transformers and Action
Force#244 - BTS) - Combat Colin and his sidekick, Semi-Automatic Steve,
were likewise abducted and woke to find themselves in the village.
(Transformers and Action Force#245) - Investigating, Colin and Steve encountered the other prisoners. Introducing himself, a dejected Captain Wally explained that they were all old comic characters forcibly retired to the village. After the other prisoners likewise introduced themselves, the group was confronted by the villainous warders. With Steve noting that the warders were their vilest villains, Colin realized one villain was absent, the Brain, and correctly concluded he must be behind everything.
(Transformers and Action Force#246) - Colin tried to convince his fellow prisoners to attempt an escape, but Captain Wally protested that there were too many guards, so escape was impossible. Colin, Steve and the Giggly Sisters ignored this and tried anyway, but were easily stopped by the warders.
(Transformers and Action Force#247) - However, Colin then pointed out to the villains that they were as much prisoners as heroes. Effectively trapped in the village in order to guard the heroes, they were abandoning their own conquest plans and leaving Brain free to take over the world. Agreeing to a truce, the combined forces of the heroes and villains attacked Brain's headquarters, but were confronted by their foe, now wearing Colin's stolen Combat Trousers and able to access the innumerable weapons contained in its magical pockets. As Brain blasted at Snailman, Brickman yelled a warning, but Snailman couldn't react in time and was hit, prompting Colin to note he had been "too slow" and Captain Wally to derisively respond "as usual."
(Transformers and Action Force#248 - BTS) - With Snailman already down for the count, the rest of the heroes and villains confronted the Brain, who took down some of his foes using a saucepan shooter (literally a gun firing saucepans) and smelly sock bazooka. Luckily Colin was able to remotely control his trousers, turning them against the Brain, allowing Colin to get close enough to punch the villain unconscious. Free, the heroes all departed for their respective homes.
Comments: Created by Lew Stringer.
It's impossible to be sure what color hair
Snailman has, since his strip was in black and white and his only color
images have his hair hidden under his mask. It's clearly a light color
though, since there's no shading used, so he's likely blond. He's
visibly quite short, but there's not too many people whose height we
know who stand next to him, which is necessary to accurately calculate
his actual height. Luckily, he does stand next to Captain Wally a number
of times, and is consistently about Wally's chin height. I calculated
Captain Wally to be around 6'1" for his profile, and normal human
proportions have the body around eight heads high, allowing me to
estimate Snailman to be approximately 5'4", which seems about right for
the character. He's portly, so above average weight for that height.
The only evidence towards location in Snailman's strip is that the "Porkshire Bank" is robbed in Spider-Man Comic#535, but since this is a play on the real world Yorkshire Bank, branches of which can be found well outside of the Yorkshire, that doesn't confirm a location. Snailman seems to live in the same town as Captain Wally, since there's no suggestion that either is away from their usual haunts when they run into one another in Spider-Man Comic#550. Captain Wally's home town wasn't explicitly named either, but in Spider-Man Comic#639 the Whatsit from Planet X lands in the nearby Wallytown Woods, which suggests that his home is Wallytown. It may be that Wallytown is in the county of Porkshire.
Is Snailman an Earth-616 character? For my money, he is. He
teamed up with fellow hero Captain Wally, who had run into the Hulk, and
Macho-Man, who encountered literally dozens of Marvel characters,
including Dr. Doom, the Red Skull, Captain Britain and the Black Knight.
Of course, it might be argued that merely proves they are in one of the
Marvel Multiverse or the larger Marvel Megaverse's many realities, but
Lew Stringer himself notes that as far as he is concerned, their tales
are "canon." I doubt Lew would have thought of this in terms of
Earth-616 (since that terminology was not yet in common parlance), but
that sure sounds like he means "mainstream Marvel reality." Yes, they
are humor characters, but they aren't any more ridiculous than other
such characters who are undeniably616 residents.
Snailman was one of a number of humor strips Lew produced for Marvel UK. When this came to an end, Marvel UK editorial gave Lew back the copyright of one of those strips, Combat Colin, who appeared in Action Force (the UK title for GI Joe) and Transformers, but per Lew's blog Marvel still owns Captain Wally. Which means they can use him if they want, and since he's apparently 616 and every British hero got inducted into MI13 when the Skrulls invaded Earth, presumably Snailman is now a member of that group. I'm probably the only person in the world hoping to one day see him snuck into the background of a crowd scene of MI13 operatives, mixing with the likes of Motormouth and Digitek.
Captain Wally and Snailman both debuted at a time when the long-running British Spider-Man title (launched in 1973) was being revamped in an attempt to boost flagging sales, and they joined a truly eclectic and frankly bizarre line-up: reprints of Spider-Man from the Denver Post free giveaway comics and then Spidey Super-Stories (Electric Company) stories; Star Comics' Wally the Wizard, which were retitled Willy the Wizard because allegedly they were worried UK readers might find the name Wally risible (apparently missing the irony that (a) they were including a strip called Captain Wally, and (b) Willy has its own double entendres); Fraggle Rock; and later first the Dukes of Hazzard and then Further Adventures of Indiana Jones. Weirdly, given they were humor strips, Captain Wally and Snailman proved to be more mature fair and more closely linked to the Marvel Universe than most of the other tales within the comic.
Vworp Vworp is an intermittent fan magazine
for the comic strips of Marvel's Doctor Who Weekly/Monthly/Magazine -
specifically the Doctor's long running strip rather than the
character/show in general, or the other comics the character has
appeared in. In the second issue they featured artwork done as a wedding
gift to one of the magazine's editors that featured several characters
from titles she had worked on, alongside artists and writers she had
worked with. Despite the unusual context of the appearance, I chose to
count this as a valid appearance for Snailman. Feel free to disagree. Though the image was publicly published only in 2011, it was
drawn in 1986, placing the appearance after Snailman's run in Spider-Man
Comic/Spidey Comic but before his cameo in Combat Colin's strip. Perhaps
the presence of the Doctor, a known reality-hopper, explains the
presence of so many characters from differing realities at the nuptials.
From left to right at
the wedding, we have: art director Steve Cook (handing out his business
card), the Dinobot Sludge, Snailman, Captain Wally, the Decepticon
leader Megatron, Spider-Man, editor Sheila Cranna, her
groom/husband-to-be (sorry, don't know his name), the TARDIS, Autobot
leader Optimus Prime, the Doctor's companion Peri Brown, the sixth
Doctor, artist John Ridgway (behind the Doctor's arm), the Doctor's
shapeshifting companion Frobisher, artist Will Simpson (riding on
Optimus' shoulder), Nessie (a nod to Sheila being Scottish, and located
above and behind Will Simpson), writer and artist Ian Rimmer (wearing
the blue suit), Star Wars editor droid CYRIL, DWM assistant editor Penny
Holme, writer and artist Richard Starkings (green suit), writer and
editor John Tomlinson (in the buggy), and writer Simon Furman (pink
suit).
It is entirely possible that Lew Stringer has slipped Captain Wally into other crowd scenes in comics he has drawn and that I've overlooked. If you know of any missing appearances, please do let me know.
CLARIFICATIONS:
Snailman has no known connections to:
Auntie
Maim
(The Spider-Man Comic#637/5) - After Snailman got up late in the morning, Auntie Maim literally kicked him out of the house, telling him to "get a move on, slowcoach!"
(The Spider-Man Comic#640/6) - Auntie Maim again chivied her nephew out on "morning" patrol after he finished his breakfast by 3p.m., openly wondering how he managed to catch any crooks when he moved so slowly. Snailman responded that his costumed appearance could send criminals quivering to their knees, a statement Auntie Maim agreed with, though she insisted it was because the crooks were rendered helpless with laughter.
(The Spider-Man Comic#641/6) - When Percy Perkins wondered how two boys passing the house seemed to know Snailman lived within, Auntie Maim whacked him on the head with a rolling pin, and pointed out to her dimwitted nephew that there he always left behind a sticky snail trail leading right to their door.
(The Spider-Man Comic#642/3) - When Percy returned home
after a day of patrolling, Auntie Maim demanded he treat her to a posh
French meal at Restaurant Le Posh. However, she became extremely
embarrassed when Percy launched into a tirade at the waiter after being
recommended snails from the menu.
(The Spider-Man Comic#648/6) - Visited by Hiram J. Bronx, Auntie Maim became bored by his constant boasting that America had the biggest and best of everything, so she asked him about snails. As she hoped, he took the bait and pronounced that America had snails as big as his oversized feet. Seconds later Snailman walked in the door. Screaming in terror, Hiram fled, and Auntie Maim displayed a rare moment of affection, kissing the confused hero's forehead and praising his good timing.
(Spidey Comic#651/4) - Auntie Maim chastised Snailman for
taking so long to shop for groceries that his purchases had gone stale.
Annoyed, Auntie Maim demanded something to read and kicked Snailman as
she ordered him to go and buy her Thursday's newspaper. As he slowly
departed a nosy neighbor pointed out to Auntie Maim that today was
Monday, but Auntie Maim informed her that it wouldn't be by the time
Snailman reached the corner shop.
(Spidey Comic#652/4) - When Percy informed her that he was going to wash his smelly costume, Auntie Maim initially approved until horrible mechanical shrieking filled the house. Realizing the dozy dolt had tried to force his huge shell into the tiny washing machine and broken it, she angrily chased him round the house.
(Spidey Comic#653/5) - Auntie Maim and Percy settled down
to watch their favorite TV show, Coronation Farm, but lost reception
when the aerial snapped off the roof outside and fell down, so Auntie
Maim instructed Percy to change into Snailman and sent him to stand
outside on the chimney holding the aerial so she could watch her show.
--The Spider-Man Comic#637/5 (The Spider-Man Comic#640/6, 641/6, 642/3, 648/6, Spidey Comic#651/4, 652/4
Nick Nobble and Ronnie Ransack
(The Spider-Man Comic#635/5) - Nick Nobble and Ronnie Ransack robbed the Porkshire Bank and fled on foot with their loot.
(The Spider-Man Comic#636/5) - Nick and Ronnie spotted Snailman approaching, but were unperturbed, sure they could escape before the slow moving hero could reach them. They taunted the hero to his face that he was too slow, but stopped laughing when he unleashed his secret power, an infectious yawn, that rendered them almost instantly unconscious.
Comments: The story doesn't clarify which crook is which. They aren't explicitly identified as Nobble and Ransack in the second issue they appear in, presumably because the story could still be easily followed by readers who hadn't read the previous week's installment, and so it wasn't necessary to use up the strip's limited space explaining this was effectively the second part of the story.
Though one of the duo's appearance is noticeably different and Nobble and Ransack's surnames suggest they are not related, they nevertheless somewhat resemble Captain Wally's bankrobbing duo, the Bankbuster Brothers, who apparently buy their clothes at the same shops as this pair. There's also a crook frolicking on the beach in Snailman's strip in Spider-Man Comic#638 who looks not dissimilar to the shorter of the Nobble/Ransack pairing, but on balance I don't think he's intended to be the same character. There's another crook wearing the same top in Spider-Man Comic#640, but his face is hidden; given we've established that the outfit is used by at least a few criminal pairings, I'm again ASSuming it isn't Nobble or Ransack.
--The Spider-Man Comic#635/5 (The Spider-Man Comic#636/5
An American visiting Auntie Maim, Hiram J. Bronx obnoxiously boasted that America had the biggest and best of everything, claiming they had dogs the size of British horses, and horses the size of British buses. Tiring of his grandstanding, Auntie Maim had an idea and asked him about snails. Taking the bait, Hiram pronounced that America had snails as big as his oversized feet, mere seconds before Snailman walked in the door. Screaming in terror at what he mistook to be a giant snail, Hiram fled, much to Auntie Maim's satisfaction.
--Spider-Man Comic#648/6
Any Additions/Corrections? Please let me know.
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